Have you ever been in a social situation and become incredibly self-conscious?
You are standing there, suddenly paralyzed by the idea that everyone is judging you.
You’re too fat, or too sloppy, or too awkward, or too pathetic, or too… (insert your personal insecurity here)
Have you heard the common advice “Don’t worry about what anybody thinks of you, because most people aren’t thinking about you at all. They’re thinking about themselves.”
If you were anything like the rest of us, that bit of wisdom didn’t actually make you feel better. It wasn’t empowering, it just reinforced that you are invisible and unimportant.
But maybe the problem was that every step of this much-repeated exchange is automatically self-centric. Not that you are selfish, you just got caught in a loop.
You get self-conscious because you were worried about what other people will think of you. You are told that the rest of the world does not think about you at all, and the takeaway is supposed to be about how that affects you.
But what if the solution to that social awkwardness, that anxiety, is to refocus your behavior in an other-centric way?
The cure for self-centric social anxiety is to consciously and intentionally focus on putting the OTHER person at ease. On relieving THEIR anxiety. On improving THEIR experience over the next five minutes.
If you give yourself a task, your anxious brain is not free to zoom around like a caffeinated squirrel.
Assign yourself the task of talking to one person, and focus totally on making them feel relaxed, appreciated, and enjoying themselves.
Be funny, but not for the purpose of getting them to like you. Be funny with the goal of making them laugh.
Make a game of it.
How quickly can you get them to smile?
How many times can you get them to smile?
One conversation at a time.
One person at a time.
Repeat over and over until the social situation is over and you’ve run out of time or opportunity to be anxious.
Focus wholly and completely on the other person’s experience, and you will be too busy to worry about yours. But at the same time, you will have fun, feel accomplished, and as an extra special bonus, they will walk away liking you. Which was what you wanted in the first place.
That is the secret of universally liked people. They spend their focus and their effort on making the other person feel comfortable, appreciated, and seen.
Master this, and the world is your oyster.
Sabbath Thoughts – Social anxiety
